Saturday, November 30, 2013

The existence of words.

Hi. Thank you for coming to read my words. My hope is that there might be someone who understands in a greater way the prevalence of domestic violence or that someone might take on some shared courage and do what is difficult but right. Welcome to Brave. 

My intent with this blog is to share some of my story with each post in what I've titled my Dark Corner. I separate it from the rest so that those who don't want the details can still come and find courage too. The details of domestic violence are often disturbing- they certainly are for me. Today though I will not be showing you my Dark Corner. My Dark Corner today is invading the space of my life that I generally reserve for living. 
A counsellor once told me that I had an amazing ability to compartmentalize and cope with this in a very structured manner. I took that as a compliment. There is a time for tears and there is a time for living. My children certainly dictate a lot of when, where and how my dealing with things happen. My environment dictates that a lot as well. And after a year and nine months since the very last time I was hurt I feel that I've moved beyond most of the deep hurts. Beyond that I want to live- I want it very very much- for myself and my children I want LIFE! But here is when it gets tricky. "Abby, its time to die. Abby come home. Abby it is time for you to say goodbye. I will kill you today. The garden is ready." Those words invade from time to time. The evil creepy existence of those words come out of their compartment occasionally and they don't leave without a bit of a fight. I am convinced that our actions, our words and our lives don't die. Words don't disappear after we've said them. Time doesn't take the existence of our actions away. In the same way that I will forever remember that my mom loved seeing me come in the door after school I will forever remember being called to die. It makes me conscious of my actions. It makes me tremble at what I've known. It makes me careful with my children. What I do matters. What you do matters. The choices you make will not disappear. 
We are humans. We fail all the time. All the time. But what we do exists. I do believe that there is freedom. I do believe that people can move beyond the past. I do believe that the God that loves us also forgives us and covers our sins, trials and troubles. But that does not change our memory. I remember. My compartments work most of the time but there are days when they don't. I am not falling apart. I am not unable to continue or function. I am just simply sad. My Dark Corner is off limits to you today. 

In the US, everyday more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or significant other. 
That is the only statistic I am going to share today. It means that today, in just the US-  more than three women died scared, alone and frightened. They died at the hands of someone they at one time loved and might have died loving. They were most likely thinking they were surviving- that if they could keep it under control they would be ok. That he would change. Oh the lies and secrets and insanity that is wrapped up in domestic violence is a list long enough to take 50 years to discuss. I didn't die. I am a statistic but thankfully not that one. 

If you are in a fearful situation- please listen for a moment more. Its better to not be in that situation. Life afterwards is not easy. In someways its harder. But its life and not death. Be Brave. Life is worth it. Living in truth is worth it. What has happened won't magically go away. But that is ok. You are ok. Be Brave.