Saturday, December 21, 2013

Sincerity verses lying

Welcome.

I wrote a song once. Well I've written quite a few... nothing spectacular but songs I liked. (I'm grinning here!) One of the songs was about sleep. And my favorite verse says, "I hate to be lit up at night, It invades what's inside, In the daytime I need clarity, But the night shall be sincerity." I love nights. A clear sky with lots of stars and good company is bliss. No facade. Our hearts just are. It is past the time in which we seek betterment of our circumstances or ourselves. We just are. 
In the years that I lived being abused the nights became a place of struggle and fear. Sleep was a delicate matter in our home. I was not supposed to want to sleep if he didn't want me to. If he was up I was supposed to be up working. Cooking, cleaning, laundry- it was all too common to finish my chores at midnight or one and then try to not act sleepy as I went to bed. I was to be tireless without laziness. But I was a human being and my body needed sleep. As everyone does I needed a time to just be.
Now I seek out times and places to let my heart just be. The picnic tables in my backyard are a prime night location... My spot on the sofa after a long shift at work. Its as if there are secret places in time that we can just be. If I look for them I seem to find them. My kids sometimes just sit and snuggle with me. My youngest crawls in bed and sings with me. I'm not being anything in these moments- I take off the mommy hat, the advisor hat, the housekeeper hat, the friend hat, the writer hat and what is left is just me. I am those things but shedding the weight and responsibility in those moments I embrace the sincerity that is there. Its Christmas time. I think I shall go look for more moments. I hope you find some for yourself. I can't think of a better way to celebrate!

Dark Corner
Those that know me well know the extent I go through to live honestly and in an upfront manner. After years of secrets I despise them. I won't have them in my heart for myself or for others. 
It was a Monday, March 12th 2012 actually. The night before had been rough, not abnormal. But my broken lip and bruised and swollen chin were pretty ugly looking. Ninety percent of the time my injuries were kept to what couldn't be seen by others. This was the first time since I'd moved over to my company's main building that I had gone to work with visible injuries. I was nervous. Everyone asked. "I was chipping the ice outside the house and hit myself with the handle of the ice chipper." was my answer. 
When you lie- there is the pull from your conscious to look to your heart. Your eyes shift, your head lowers- everyone does this (even great liars "tell").  It was everything I could do to lie and not hang my head. One of my coworkers asked me and made it clear he didn't believe me. I had awareness for the first time that I was lying and the heaviness of that was enormous. All I could see were all the people I had lied to over the years and for what? For a man that thought it was funny to poke my injuries that he inflicted. That hurt me because he couldn't control his temper at .... God only knows what. I was frantic all day. I paced. I didn't get much work done. My lies felt like they were crashing in on me and I wanted out. I wanted out. My coworker went outside. I followed him, still unsure if I wanted to tell everything. When his eyes met mine tears were already threatening to overflow. When he asked me if I'd been hit, I paused. And then.... I nodded. (Emotion of every kind came crashing in. If I could put a sound track to this there would have been a great build up of strings and percussion and then crashing as great as of waves on rocks...) He asked me if I'd been hurt before. I nodded again. The best way to explain what happened next is just that I saw someone be angry on behalf of me- it wasn't scary but simply overwhelming. He was fuming but not at me. I wasn't sure what was happening. My ears and heart were still feeling the effects of the crescendo that brought me to that brave nod. But I knew, I knew I had to have help. I knew if I went home I'd die. I'd told his secret. So I didn't go home. 

Recently I read an article by Rachel Jewkes (Intimate partner violence: prevention and causes, April 2002). I appreciated the way that she broke down two factors that are always present in a domestic violence situation. These factors: unequal position of women in a relationship (and in society) and the normalcy of using violence in conflicts are both necessary to create an environment that allows domestic violence. Neither of these factors are easily changed as they are prevalent in our world.  
But- I am a mother. Are you a parent? Teach your children. The need to speak out against violence is so great. People in our world die over Air Jordan shoes, over the need for food, over the unaddressed anger of their spouse, and for a million other idiotic reasons. 

Be Brave! If you are in danger find help, Domestic violence escalates. It rarely starts with being killed. If you fear another person find help. You life is precious and worth you living it. Your life has sincere moments that you can find but you have to be safe to find them. Be Brave!