Joyous

Have you ever hoped for the illusive "something more". I have. I thought it was love; but truly know I've found that and still I've been wanting. I wasn't looking for God- he can't be found, he just is. I wasn't looking for money (though I'd love just a tad more for Christmas presents! But wouldn't we all!) - (And seriously that was NOT a hint Mom, I promise! ) No, I just needed to be reminded of the joy of work. Yup work! I find that peaceful joyous excitement for life when I cook- the aim for the perfect cookie has long been in pursuit! I find that fulfillment and awareness when I write a new song- expression mixed with work is amazing! I find that "something more" when I apply myself. Joy is made. Did you catch that? Joy is made. We've lost our ways of having a craft. We belittle the hobby with our busyness. We tire ourselves with "work" we care little about. We dishonor ourselves daily with nothing to aspire to. What are you working on? What is moving you? What brings you joy? My new hobby might be to free myself and my children from injustice. It might be to free you and yours too. Working for something, applying ourselves feels amazing. We were meant to work. Meant to build something meaningful. It takes a lot to build toward something. Its scary, its time, its...ourselves. Be Brave!

Dark Corner-
My face hit the wall. I knew when I'd started up the stairs I should be careful. The kids were very quiet. I could feel him before he met me at the top of the stairs. He told me to get out. He stood in front of the kids and I knew he was in a very precarious place, a dangerous place. I also knew my back was still purple along my spine. My ankle sore and my head hurt from last night's episode of anger. I'd had a great day, came home in such a good mood...to this. I wanted to make dinner. I wanted to live. But that want wasn't strong enough. He'd somehow taken me from me and I simply turned and walked back downstairs.

When you can't have joy; when you can't just be; when you can't find you- no matter what the cause you need help. You need someone to help you, someone to talk to- some good counsel. If you are also being physically harmed you need to become safe so you can think, so you can see. You can not think clearly or see anything while afraid for your life, well-being or the safety/security of your children. Please get help. There is no shame in this. Joy is out there to be had but you have to get free of harm first. Be brave, be very brave!

Courage. Not a feel good adjective!

All of history has been marked by people; people who are moving forward to change things. We create, we change, we make things different. Whew..well I don't know about you but that makes me exhausted. My life is so full and so filled that I often wonder how I can make things better. Being a zealous person I'm not very easily calmed or squashed into accepting that I've done my job...I think there is more to do. But we need something to change our world.... we need something big.... we need COURAGE! Courage is one of those feel good words that we like to describe others with. And yet it DOESN'T feel good!!!! Generally to be courageous we have to have some sort of trial or tribulation in which to inspire us to courageous actions and holy cow who would seek troubles? Who would seek to have bad things happen to themselves or their families? Not I!!! And yet the last ten years have been one big trial. (Lumping it all together makes me feel better sometimes! ha!) And I am in need of courage!
Here is my problem: 
I am going to fight with everything I can to ensure that my children have the right to remain protected from an individual who is violent (this being their father). He pled guilty to more than three accounts of domestic violence and has never denied any of the abuse. My belief is that he should not be able to see his kids. Solely based on the fact that we don't demand that of adults. 
Let's just say my father hurt me today and hurt my mother in front of me. (I am 32 years old.) No judge would reprimand me for being afraid of my father. No one would try to talk me into visiting with him. And I wouldn't listen to any judge that decided that I should see him. That situation of course was fictional. 
Fighting this today means attorneys, judges and counselors. It involves saying no to people and institutions that we don't say no to. We are a democracy, we have these laws and blah blah blah. Regarding children they are wrong. There just isn't a better way to put that. The laws protecting violent parents are wrong. 
But I am just me.... I'm caught by that is ridiculous. I'm astounded that I have to fight for this. 
I'm also not sure how to do this. How do you fight "the man", the government, a scary ex husband with little resources and a (descriptions kept to myself) attorney? 
It's as if the enemy is so vague and unknown that I can't just reach out and kill it. A foe this large is a bit formidable...maybe my writing will be as David's rocks. I have to do something.  I've started writing two children's books; "The Dragon Inside" which illustrates the danger of secrets, and a workbook about how to re-label emotions after trauma. Much is coming from this...maybe that is why I'm walking it. Regardless I am attempting to build courage, find courage and the umphf to keep on.

If you are being harmed or in a violent or abusive relationship please get help. There isn't an excuse in the world that justifies hurting a woman or child. The manipulation and control exerted to create the atmosphere for abuse is as damaging as the abuse itself. Please get help! You are worth life. If you have children know that they can have better, they will have better! Be Brave!

My Hair Is A Mess

I have been blessed with a fair amount of zeal. That is an understatement! 

I also, in a fun and carefree moment last spring cut all of my hair off... All of it off. And then the next month I went even shorter.....Holy Toledos, growing it out is awful. 

So back to the zeal, I often get so worked up. There is so much to get worked up about. Our country's imminent demise...or rather potential and probable and profitable and....Ok, this is not a political blog! I am extremely proud to be an American, what this nation was founded for and had the potential for is awesome. What we are today is so very far from that. Anyhow, my political leanings are easily backed with great zeal. As this trial with my ex-husband/former abuser looms I am FULL of zeal concerning the safety of my children and the life I want for them. FULL OF ZEAL. If I thought it would help to march from Texas to Washington DC I would start tonight. (Hmmmm that is a great idea....stay close, you might see me carrying a sign marching across America!) Forced interaction with a violent person just because they are related by blood is the most absurd idiotic and harmful idea anyone ever had. No one can tell me that they would like to be alone with a person they see almost murder someone else and be told its ok because someone will watch through the window at a visitation center. Yeah, that brings about great peace of mind. No one would force an adult to do this and yet everyday children all over the country are subjected to this violation of rights. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! My war cries are continual these days. Ha, yep I do have zeal. 

Ok, lets jump back to my hair for a moment. You know when you have a bad hair day and you scowl at yourself. Well I also have been doing a fair amount of that. I look like a chicken on a good day and my bad hair days....well they require starting over. The other day though I simply did not have time to start over. Half mohawk, half chicken hair and a whole lot of scowling I had to run for the door with the kids. And then I realized all the zeal I had felt was replaced by this scowling disgruntled chicken head. It had vanished in my scowling at my hair. So I stopped real quick and said, "Embrace it" and I did- even threw on my favorite sweater and Hollywood sunglasses. I might have looked a bit crazy that day but I knew what I was about. I know what I'm headed towards (holy that might be a long walk or fight or whatnot). But my hair is simply not going to get in the way of what I need to do. 

Dark Corner

He hurt me, badly in front of my children. He threatened to kill them, in front of them. He hurt my children emotionally, spiritually, physically and verbally.

No big story today, no details. The basic facts suffice.

It's time folks for us to say no to the violation of children's rights. But no matter what you are about, what you need to stand up for- don't let your Brave get moved out of the way due to your hair. It can't be as bad as my chicken/mohawk hair. Embrace who you are. Wear who you are and be Brave! Be BRAVE!!!!

If you are being hurt please please get help. It will not get better. Do not stay hoping for your fairytale to start. Get help, be smart. If you can plan your escape- do that, but if you can't- just get out. Take pictures. Go to the police. No matter how scary get help. You can live!

-abigail 

Hope Is The Only Thing More Effective Than Fear

"Hope is the only thing more effective than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous."
The Hunger Games

Every child born contains, breaths and exists on hope. The child stays alive in hope and the quality of each child's life is bound to the hope it's parents or caretakers have. A misery loving parent can steal and kill all future hope for a child. But a parent who hopes is a parent that choses life for their child. Of all the things I've learned in the last couple years I most love the lessons in hope I've received. I've danced and argued and resented hope. I've declared hope to be cruel and a liar. I've also found it's what keeps us moving forward. A little hope is very effective. But a lot of hope....whoah now! Am I sure I can even imagine or hope that much? Yes. I can. I can hope for my children. We need hope for our children. They need that. Hope that life is good and will be good. Hope that what is right will prevail. We need the hope to live in our children. Their hope is worth protecting.

Dark Corner
The knife he held to my pregnant belly was sharp, it's touch hurt. On the cool grass where he held me down he snarled out the threat of slicing me from groin to throat. The baby kicked and I could feel the blade bite against my skin, right where she had kicked. He spoke of spilling the baby out and watching us bleed to death. He talked about how he would bury us under the house in the crawl space. No one would look for me. He'd already astraigned me from everyone including my family. I couldn't look at him, my tears poured down my face. I had been "complaining of being tired" instead of cleaning up the living room as he had expected. He had claimed for years that everything I did was a sin. That sin deserved death. He hated me and I knew it. It was my sweet Cora inside my pregnant belly. ..the other kids looked out the window at us. Real quick he pulled the knife back scratching me with the blade and threw it at the fence. Spitting out words of death he went back inside the house. The other kids faces watched in the window, I wiped my eyes.

Where there was once no courage there is courage. Where there was once no hope there is plenty of hope. Where there was once no bravery there is Brave. My children need Brave. 


If you are being harmed, know that you will never feel ready. It will never feel convenient or "right" to leave your partner. People you know and respect may tell you to stay or that marriage is tough or to just get counseling. Please find help. Violence is never acceptable. A person who harms anyone is wrong, not the ones being harmed. Its okay to acknowledge that you are a victim, that you are being hurt. Please find help. 
If you are not being harmed first be thankful. Second find a way to help. Domestic violence occurs in every walk of life, every people group and every place on earth. Help the women and children find hope. As always, be Brave. 

Necessity

Necessity sometimes pushes us. Pulls us. Demands things of us that we wouldn't otherwise consider. A good friend of mine commented on how his life was so different than he ever thought it would be. Another someone commented on a distinct unhappiness they were surprised at. And yet another friend recently spoke of how we are able sometimes to power through what is difficult and when it is over we marvel at how we managed. Necessity....life.....God.....children......money......There are lots of circumstances and winds that move our lives. Some we know and some we don't know. Some we choose and can see coming from far off and others change our lives in a second. Over the last couple of years I've often wondered if my life would stop changing; if I could somehow attain a lull or a peaceful calm where I could experience the joy of sameness. I think my wishing is almost a joke. Everyday seems to create something new. And as I look forward to....well even I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to anymore...but as I look forward regardless, I'm certain that I'm not bored. I'm certain that somehow everything will work out- it always manages too. I'm certain of change happening. I'm certain I'm living. Be brave friends no matter what necessity challenges. 

Dark Corner
He was outside of where I worked. Again. The next day he called to tell me I was being bad and complaining- that I was in trouble. Being tired from his late night anger the day before had not made the day easy. And now somehow from afar I was causing him to be angry at me. This was proving to be an exhausting week. It felt like peering through a pinhole. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't see how to fix the problem, I couldn't even imagine leaving him and his emotional ups and downs. I squinted, hoping to see something but all I saw was that he was angry again.... And again I went home.

Necessity once meant hiding warm clothes outside in the shed just in case we got thrown out of the house. It meant wearing hats at work to hide the places my hair was thin. And it pushed me to lie about how I got hurt. I hated when he lied to me, lied for me. But there were lies and ways of thinking imposed upon me, accepted by me as I wanted to please the one I loved. Accepted by me because I felt I didn't deserve what was given to me and wanted to see if tomorrow I could show him- that maybe then he would see I wasn't so bad. 
I hope you see in my words that this is no way to live. If you are being hurt please get help. If you know someone who is or might be getting hurt find a way to help. We are all people, which means we interact, we are creative, amazing, interesting and full of life. We can help each other. Let necessity push you to life. Let it push you toward change so that you can live BRAVE. 

Happy

Its been a little while since I've posted anything. A cat has found its way into my house, residing as a true king, not impressed with the antics of the many hands that seek to pet his mane and yet regal in his kind eyes. A song has come out of me as well. So my efforts of late have been devoted to my guitar. Words, happy words have been pouring out. Even last night as I was washing dishes a song was there and I had to stop  and scramble around for a pencil. Is this for real? Can happy be good? Can happy..... and the overthinking of course is there. But I can quiet it, as this happy is just me. This happy is just finally having less emotional binds to what has happened to what is happening. An insightful friend recently looked at me and noted that I seemed healed somehow. When that happened, I'm not sure. Why that happened, I don't know. Maybe the recognition of late to "let it go" or the pursuit of taking care of myself or the enjoyment of what I have....? Maybe its all of that. People have long pursued being happy and I finally seen why. The calm of my cat, the delight of my children, the joy in my songs.... This is good stuff! This is good stuff! Be Brave my friends, be happy!

If you are being harmed by another know that they do not have the right to harm you. You can tell them that either verbally or by getting away from them. There is lots of help there but you will have to ask for it, you will have to seek out help. Please please get help if you are being harmed. There is a happy life possible for you, a truly happy life- a life that doesn't have fear, a life that can enjoy and delight in small and big things, a life not controlled or dictated. You are worth that. 
Many blessings, abigail

Kittens and Echos- and a goofy mood! lol

I am smitten by a kitten. Just blown away at the tremendous amount of cuteness that is that little ball of fur? They mew, they have tiny little scratchy tongues and the most adorable little feet in the world. Needless to say I have, not baby fever!!! No more babies for me!!! Haha. No, I am fully afflicted by cat fever. I want a kitty cat to sit in my lap! I want to hold one, and scratch their ears and pet them all the while getting happily covered in cat hair. Oh geeze, yes it really is that bad. My neighbor's cat will simply not do any longer. My client's cat won't do either. I must get a cat! While this cat fever has been going on I've been noticing where it started. And I have decided- our lives echo. Our choices and thoughts and ..... all of it becomes an echo. The irritating loneliness echoes to the need for a cat. My desire to be whole and healthy and independently sound echo into my liking the idea of a cat. And my need to be reminded that relaxing is good for me, well that thought gets echoed in my desire for a cat. It reminds me of my mother, and it reminds me of my cat Punky from my high school years, and it reminds me of the cats on my uncle's farm and all of that makes for sentimental and emotional happy. So.... smitten by a kitten. Oh yes! (Please oh please don't quit reading due to my ridiculous phrasing today!!!) I'm proud to follow my echoes. They are some of the most interesting time occupying trails to follow. My echoes make me feel complete, satisfied and knowing. And that knowing is so powerful. It's me after all that I'm knowing. Be Brave, know you and all your echoes too! :-)

Dark Corner
He said no. He said no. He said no. He hit me. He hit me. He hit me. 
I cried. I cried. I cried. He lied. He lied. He lied.
I listened. I listened. I listened. Inside I died. Inside I died. Inside I died. 

With no patience today to tell a story- the above is that past relationship in a nutshell. Repeated by threes because in repetition anything can become normal- even really bad things. Domestic violence can become normal, can become just what happens. As long as I was not dead I felt I was ok, that things would change, that I could influence things enough to make it change. But that was myself believing the lie that it was all my fault, that I had caused his behavior, that this was ok and normal. If this is you, please please get help. Try to see you, try to hear your echoes, try to hear the last time you felt the anger feel chaotic and scary- that is not normal. That is not safe or healthy. Better is out there, I promise; a safe life is possible, it can be had. 
If you are reading this as one not affected by domestic violence- make a difference. Tell every young woman you know that they are worth love, they are worth being cared for, they are worth their own care. Support those trying to break free. And don't ever be afraid to throw your voice out there and offer help. 
Take care, abigail