Saturday, December 7, 2013
Welcome. I am so thankful of your time. I am so glad that you've come. The holidays can be so busy, it is an honor that you are visiting. I am creating a place here of hope, of courage. I am creating a place where stories of darkness can inspire because they don't last forever. Today the Dark Corner below is kind of raw, not painful anymore to tell but raw nonetheless. I am sorry. I include it with hesitation, but I so seek that hope would shine. Light shines brightest out of the darkness. The Dark Corner is no more. You have my permission to skip this one, but if you read it- remember The Dark Corner is no more.
It is definitely Christmas time. Hope is in the air. Children are dreaming of all the toys that they will find on Christmas morning (or wailing, whining and begging for everything in the store). But it is the season of delight. It is the season of stories of Jesus and the three wise kings, the story of Mary and Joseph's journey. I think children and their wonder at life is what really makes Christmas though. I watch my kids and their eyes shinning as we talk about how the star shone brightly over Jesus, how the wise men knew to follow the star, how Santa Claus finds our chimney and how we can give a little present of cookies to the neighbors. They love all of it. Its the wonder and majesty of the unknown happening, the impossible coming true, the extravagance for everyone. What makes your eyes shine with wonder? I was dancing in the kitchen the other day to a Mumford and Sons song. My daughter asked me why I had my arms in the air. I told her because that song makes me feel alive. Since then its come on a few times. She told the other kids each time, in a rather conspiring voice that "This is Mom's alive song." I had death and now I have life. I know now what I'm supposed to be. I am supposed to be alive, brave and bold. I am supposed to dance, to wonder at life and all of its pieces, even when my kids refuse a nap and are cranky. The season we are in fosters so much wonder. Lets be Brave in it!
I stopped crying. I could not come up with any more tears. If one can become dehydrated by crying I had done it. I felt so dry, my lips chapped and it had only been a couple of hours. "Submit." he said. I hung my head again. I was shaking knowing what was coming. He hit my arm again. I looked up, "I do, I do." I said. Silence. His eyes held mine, I dropped mine and watched my hands shake. He hit my arm again. Why my submission wasn't enough I will never understand. How does one submit any further? Everything I did was under his control and according to his wishes. But he was insistent that I wasn't submitted to him and that I complained inside my heart. "Submit" he growled. Tears poured out of my eyes again, surprising me. I did not look up this time. After two hours my arm was already swollen. Swollen and purple. He declared I wouldn't make it much longer and left me there. What do I do with my arm? I was worried about how to get my shirt off it was swollen so much. The next morning my arm had purple lines leading from elbow to my wrist. AHHHHH! Long sleeves, how was I going to get my swollen arm that I could barely move into a long sleeve shirt. He thought it was funny. He poked my arm asking if it hurt. My eyes welled up with tears for that hurt my heart as well as my arm. I didn't understand anymore what was expected of me. I didn't know how to be whatever it was he wanted me to be.
One in every four women in the US will experience domestic violence. That is a quarter of our female population. That doesn't exclude anyone, not the women that are churched nor the women who are highly educated. Rich and poor alike will experience domestic violence. My Dark Corner is no more. Yours, if you are in one, can end too. There is hope. You are supposed to be something. Hurt is not it. I pray that you will find hope, courage and Bravery to be who you were meant to be!